my lockdown update

[keiliss]

Day 4,268 (or thereabouts) of our captivity. Confined to home, allowed out only for grocery or pharmacy runs or to seek medical help. The BBC commended us for having one of the most (on paper) stringent lockdowns in the world. They're not kidding.

Apparently it's very important to have routine and goals but my focus is not what it should be. I thought it would be a good time to be Creative, but find it's incredibly hard to try and write (two wips waiting, me staring blankly at Word). I remember that period between my cancer diagnosis and surgery, how I'd planned to fill the waiting time with drawing and writing and could not manage a single line of either --- I do not create well under stress. That really annoys me about myself. I am however becoming very good at online colour by numbers and Wordsdom.

Officially we have 9 days left though I have no idea how Cyril can lift the lockdown next week - maybe relax some of the really strict rules, let the addicts have their cigarettes at least! (thank god I no longer smoke, that must be agony). More has to be done about getting food to people who now have no income - in particular the ones who had informal jobs that have now vanished, because they are probably not getting any kind of a grant. I heard a woman talking about how she collects junk for recycling and now the recycling sites are closed and her family has no food, could hear the fear in her voice. Government is doing what it can, and there are food parcels being rolled out on a provincial level, but we were in a recession even before covid came to visit, there is no way they can give everyone who is suddenly without an income money to carry them through.

On the bright side, as of tonight 1,749 confirmed cases, only 13 deaths ('only' is relative, it is not 'only' to family and friends). This is set to rise sharply now they've started wider testing, though those results are only just starting to come through and won't be a factor for a couple more days.

Okay, I did not realise I was quite this flat till I started writing. It's what happens when the days all start running together (see banner). Tomorrow will be a better mood, I will try for Routine and Goals. And a List. And a sense of humour. And maybe go for an illegal walk around the complex.

Be safe ❤

Comments

[lilith_lessfair]

It’s so interesting how we don’t notice a number of things until we write them down. The effects of this are surprisingly subtle (for all that this is not a subtle thing) and insidious.

Be well.

[lilith_lessfair]

I also think there’s this pressure to be productive whether it’s at a job or at creative pursuits or at the many different things we’ve said we need to accomplish and would, if we just had the downtime. I’ve decided, after having experienced at least one major flood or weather event each year for the past 7 or 8, that that is ridiculous. This is traumatic; if doing those things is beneficial to the alleviating the trauma, awesome and go do, but if you need to rest more or if you feel too distracted or too anxious, then I think let’s not beat ourselves up about it. World events are doing a perfectly fine job of that on their own.
By the way, online color by numbers sounds marvelous.
I know you know this and I’m partly saying this to myself because I’ve had to repeat it to myself throughout all of those events, when I’ve said —oh, I’ll do this because I have the time. Right.

[narya_flame]

*hugs*

I don't think stress necessarily is conducive to creativity. The thing is, there's different kinds - the adrenaline of a deadline can be "good" stress and make you produce something astounding out of seemingly nowhere. Constant stress about where money is coming from, or health issues, or work, or in this case what the hell is going on with the world, is very different; it's draining instead of energising, and it's so hard to push through that and make stuff.

Be kind to yourself and stay safe <3

[independence1776]

What Lilith and Narya said. I'm trying not to beat myself up over not being more creative now, too.

I hope today is better.

[spiced_wine]

. I remember that period between my cancer diagnosis and surgery, how I'd planned to fill the waiting time with drawing and writing and could not manage a single line of either --- I do not create well under stress.

Narya said to ,me a while back that writing comes form a place of discontent, not of stress. I think that’s completely true.

[red_lasbelin]

That is such an interesting observation and sounds true.

[keiliss]

Thank you for this, it's what I needed to hear. I had been struggling with the idea of all this time, nowhere to go, no demands, and instead of reading and writing and all the things I usually try and find space for, I was wasting it. I guess 'waste' is all relative. I see people talking about how much writing they're doing and feel I should be catching up with myself instead of just marking time, which is how this feels - but maybe that's what I need to do. It's the strangest feeling, like the world is on hold, and I'm not sure how to process it so perhaps I should stop trying.

[keiliss]

Draining! That's it, yes. I've been trying to think of a word to define how I've been feeling and 'drained' covers it well. As I said to Lilith, it feels like the world's on hold and I don't know how to process it. And being tired after doing nothing didn't make sense but now it does. And yes, good stress is a different thing, I am very much a 'made the deadline by the skin of my teeth' person.

Thank you *hugs*

[keiliss]

Yesterday was horrible, but today feels much better. I guess it takes time to adjust to a new 'normal' - I'm trying to take their advice to heart.

[keiliss]

That is such a truth! Thank you for sharing that, it makes so much sense.

[spiced_wine]

I think it is, yes

[spiced_wine]

When Narya said it it really made me think. And then I was reading a novel where the narrator wonders about a friend not writing to her, and decides it was because she was probably happy, she said ‘happiness is it’s own reward, discontent pushes one to write’. I do think there’s a lot of truth in it, and there’s a lot of difference between deep depression and/or fear and discontent which churns the wheels of the imagination.

[ysilme]

Day 4,268 (or thereabouts) of our captivity.
*sympathies* I hope you're all still well, healthy and sane! ♥
I'm experiencing the same, writing-wise - I open my files every day, stare at them, edit a bit here and there for routine's sake, but the voices in my head are silent right now. On the other hand, I've started to crochet and am getting more done per day than ever since my uni days (when I knitted under the table durinc lectures *g* ).
Hereabouts, the first steps back to normality are taking place, and I'm honestly wondering if they're not going about too quickly. Last week our chancellor said in a press conference that sarting with May 4th more shops etc. will be opened, and now they're already opening from today on. We're doing so well, and even so people are clearly already getting negligent - and I'm not speaking of the very valid issues of diminuished or lack of business for those affected, but those people who just can't be bothered to forego of their leisure activities for a bit longer. *rolls eyes* When I read your posts I want to print the bitter details out and shove it in those people's faces.
Sending hope and prayers to you and yours, and your country. My heart breaks over many of the news I hear. *hugs*

[ysilme]

What Lilith and Narya said. Draining, that's it indeed. I had a lot to do at first, which seemed like the perfecdt explanation, but while I'm still busy it's not accounting by half for it.
I used to write a lot as compensation when things got dire - the first time I remember was Tchernobyl, when there was measurable fallout even in our area; I was 16 and thoroughly frightened, and fled into my mental words and writing. With every other happening later on the same happened; writing, or rather the stories in my head, were always my comfort place, and things turned upside-down spurred a creative intensity. Looking back, though, none of these incidents were in a comparable way worrying or traumatic as the current crisis.